10 Things I Learned From Zoolander

1. Nothing in the world is as fun as going to the gas station: If you're spending $4 a gallon on gas, you might as well blast some 80's music and dance. Still cheaper than going to Disneyland.

2. Facial poses by models are often named after condoms: Blue Steel? Magnum? Sounds like the names of condoms to me. What's next? Vivid? Trojan? 

3. Hand models are the smart ones: Hand models have the brains because they aren't trained to please like regular models are. Does this rule apply to foot models too?

4. Guitar Synth players are evil: Why wouldn't they be evil? Just like saxophone players, after the 80's, there wasn't much work out there for them. They'd still be employed if it wasn't for heavy metal and the rise of the grunge scene. Do you think Kurt Cobain needed a guitar synth player? No.

5. If you're a famous model, 1200 messages on your answering machine is only a bit above average: Being famous, everyone wants a piece of you. 1100 messages in a week isn't uncommon. 1200. Something is up.

6. With a small amount of make up, you can look like anyone: When breaking into Ballstein's office, Derek and Hansel use make up to look completely different. Apparently make up can change bone structure. So why is there a need for botox then?

7. A simple look can stop a throwing star in it's path: If this is true, then can a dance move stop a bullet? A hand clap stop a moving car? Yoko Ono singing stop a nuclear missile? Actually I think Yoko's singing promotes being hit by a nuclear missile.

8. Ambiturning is a real talent: Looking for things to put on your resume? Tell your potential employer that you are an ambiturner. You can turn left when need to. 

9. Listen to Billy Zane: Listen to Billy Zane. He's a good guy. He's looking out for you. Unless your name is Jack and you're on the Titanic.

10. David Bowie is the best person to judge anything: You have a pose off? David Bowie will be your judge. He has nothing better to do.

Things I Learned From Clerks

10 things I learned from the Kevin Smith classic, Clerks.

1. I can leave money on the counter and trust customers to take the correct change. (Actually Dante had a decent theory, but I would be scared about the one douche of a customer that has to steal)

2. There must be a magical jug of milk that last weeks longer than the others. (The milk maid, played by Kevin Smith's own mom shows us how to find it)

3. There is no perfect dozen eggs, even if you mix and match. (Poor school counselor)

4. If you come in to work on your day off, it is okay to close the store down for a couple of hours to play hockey on the roof of the business. (I wonder if you got hurt doing this that you could claim worker's comp?)

5. Don't touch that casket! (Should actually be self explanatory)

6. Don't let the old guy take a porn magazine into the bathroom. (He will die when he sees a pic of someone like Katie Morgan)

7. Gum sales people are vigilant. (They will start a revolt if need be)

8. If you work on the Death Star, you take your own life into your own hands. (Refer a friend to the job if need be, but don't take it)

9. If you work at a mom and pop owned video store, your video store is shitty compared to a corporate owned one. (Just ask Randall)

10. Your girlfriend has possibily sucked 37 ***ks without you knowing. (Wow)

10 Things I Learned From I Love Lucy

One of the most watched television shows of all time is I Love Lucy. Debuting on air in the fifties, I Love Lucy set standards in how sitcoms would be made, how comedy is done on television, and even how people can live in real life. The show was based on the crazy, redhead trying to get into her hubby's show and involving their landlords/best friends in the process. So I present to you...

10 Things I Learned From I Love Lucy

1. Keep your house thoroughly cleaned because you never know when an agent or celebrity might drop by. (Apparently in the fifties celebrities had nothing better to do than to hang out in people's apartments)

2. It is okay to mock a Cuban man's accent. (Credit to Ricky for never actually getting furious with the others for mocking him)

3. Never stop your wife from being in the show. (She will always find a way to get in, whether it's tying up another actress and throwing her in a closet, pretending to be someone other than your wife, or just plain showing up behind you on stage while you sing)

4. Make sure there is a door handle on the inside of your walk in freezer. (Lucy nearly froze to death, trying to freeze a ton of meat)

5. It is okay to spank your wife when she has been bad, not just naughty. (Ricky must have enjoyed spankings because he spanked Lucy nearly every other episode)

6. Country singers were dumb in the fifties. (Tennessee Ernie Ford visited the Ricardos for several episodes, but had not one ounce of common sense in him)

7. Putting on a costume, whig, or different clothes than you normally wear, will make you virtually unrecognizeable to even those you know. (Hell, Lucy dressed as a man, only putting on a suit and a fake mustache, and nearly fooled Ricky and Fred at the man's baby shower)

8. Women didn't have contractions when they went into labor in the fifties. (Lucy simply announced it was time, but never had contractions or pain of any sort)

9. There are towns in New England that are only run by two people. (Remember the mom and pa that played every role from motel owner to mayor?)

10. Clones were running rampant in the fifties. (One minute a guy is your blind waiter, the next he's Freddy Filmore, gameshow host)

10 Things I Learned From 90's Music

1. I can wear a cardigan and still be considered one of the biggest rock stars of all time. (Kurt Cobain)

2. If I can get four to five attractive friends to band together to form a singing group that ends in "girls"/"boys", it doesn't matter if we can all sing, as long as one of us can. (Backstreet Boys, Spice Girls)

3. The key to success in pop music and sexual rebellion, lie within the Mickey Mouse Club. (Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Rhona Bennett of En Vogue, JC Chasez, and Justin Timberlake)

4. Auto-Tune released in 1997. Kanye West's career launches in 1997. Enough said.

5. Orange County was the place to be if you're punk/ska/reggae. (No Doubt, Save Ferris, Reel Big Fish, Offspring, Sublime (Long Beach close enough), Lit, and Sugar Ray)

6. I can make a music video where I do drugs, drink, fight, beat up a woman, and pick up a prostitute, as long as the video is in the point of view of another woman (Prodigy "Smack My Bitch Up")

7. I can wear all my clothes backwards and be cool (Kriss Kross)

8. To become the next big, country music star, I have to be an attractive blonde. (Faith Hill, Dixie Chicks, Lee Ann Womack, LeAnn Rhimes, Shania Twain-well really dark blonde)

9. I can still be the scariest, most gothic singer of my decade, even if people believe my real identity is an actor from an 1980's sitcom. (Marilyn Manson)

10. If I want to release my best selling, most critically acclaimed group of CD's, I must A) drop my sexy, pop image, B) appear on SNL in a skit with Michael Myers and/or Dana Carvey, C) have sex with a couple of celebrities and release the pictures in an X-rated book, D) tie up and chain women and sing about it, E) star in a movie about a sex craved woman. (Madonna)