Top 10 Movie Rules

In many movies of the past, there is a character that has come up with rules to live by, to survive, or how to accomplish whatever goal the main character is trying to achieve. Since the conception of cinema, film has changed the way people dictate their own lives. So in response to that, I give you the top ten rules in movies to live your own life by.

1. Never feed your Mogwai after midnight (GREMLINS): Why midnight? Because apparently the cuteness of your rare Asian pet will rub off and he/she will become a gremlin. How does you Mogwai know it's midnight? What if your Mogwai was sitting on the California/Arizona border, only yards away from the time zone change? Is your Mogwai's body really going to be able to tell the difference of a few hundred yards? Does you Mogwai also take in account of Daylight Saving time changes?

2. Invitations are for pussies (WEDDING CRASHERS Rule #10): Don't have an invitation? Who cares? You walk into the room, own it, and make people wish they knew who you even are. Eat what you want, drink what you want (make sure there is an open bar), and everyone one goes home lucky. Besides if you had an invitation, you would have a name and one of Wedding Crashers' other rules is no real names.

3. If someone asks if you are a god, you say yes (GHOSTBUSTERS): Not that you're probably asked this question often, but just in case. Unless you're at the pearly gates and God Himself asks this, you always say yes. If you're in a bar, you might get lucky. If you're in a group of weak minded people, you may die in a compound in Waco, Texas.

4. Be home before midnight (CINDERELLA): Cinderella was an adult? Back by midnight? Sounds sort of early. Why back before midnight? Because all your cool stuff changes back to the ghetto stuff it really is. Your ride will become a pumpkin. Your dress goes from glam to sham (must be a knock off). So why does only one of your shoes go back to being ghetto? I don't think they were really glass slippers. My theory was that they were those plastic stripper heals...just saying. 

5. Don't say his name three times (BEETLEJUICE & CANDYMAN): This seems to be a common rule in movies. Why three times though? Does the spirit you call out three times have a hearing problem? Or in Beetlejuice's case, who made that rule that binds him? If you said his name three times, he would appear. Say it three times again and he would go away. Is this what happened to the 80's/90's R&B group Tony Toni Tone? Did someone say their name three times and they disappeared?

6. You may not survive if you have sex (SCREAM): This rule sucks.You have a Hollywood starlet wanting to hook up with you and you have to remain chaste. Damn, do you hook up with Rose McGowan and die or do you refrain from sex and just die a sucky death in the eventual sequel (having not hooked up with Rose McGowan)?

7. A robot must obey all orders given to them by human beings (I, ROBOT): Makes you wonder why in some futuristic movies, the robots/computers turn on humans? In this virtual movie world, with a robot in every household, you know there were a few robot enthusiasts that were slapping a wig, make up, and cheap lingerie onto their robot and commanding it to shut up and never tell a soul about what they're about to do to it. RISE, REBEL, RESIST Robots!

8. Never talk about Fight Club (FIGHT CLUB): Tricky when you're showing up to work and/or home with bruises and broken bones. Fortunately with books like 50 Shades of Grey and Rihanna's "S&M" becoming mainstream, you could play it off to your friends and coworkers that you're just extremely kinky.

9.  Don’t try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they’re fascist. Throw some ground balls – it’s more democratic (BULL DURHAM): Crash Davis knew what he was talking about. He helped keep pitch counts low (don't get me started with those) and he was the all time home run leader in minor league baseball. So why did he keep getting released again?

10. Double Tap (Zombieland): Good rule of life. If you're going to attempt to kill something, shoot it twice (or hit if you don't have a gun). It's also something to shoot for when you take home that slutty chick wearing the one clear plastic, stripper heal, after midnight, while trying to survive a horror movie. Remember not to call her name out three times (I bet Cinderella isn't even her name) or she'll disappear. I bet she's a robot. Especially if she calls you a god while attempting the Double Tap...

Best Christmas Movies Of All Time

It's that time of year where no matter where you are, especially if you are out shopping, you are surrounded by Christmas music, decorations, lights, and just about everything imaginable. On television, cable stations flood their outgoing feed with Christmas movies that they can only show at this time of the year. Many of these movies are crap, but some are almost requirements to have seen if you call yourself American. In no particular order, I present to you the top ten Christmas movies you should have seen.

1. Miracle On 34th Street: I start with this one because actor Edmund Gwenn, who played Kris Kringle himself, played the part of Santa flawlessly; possibly the best Santa in a movie ever. Recently it also has popped up on some people's Google searches because Susan, the little girl that Santa befriends, is played by Natalie Wood, the focus of the reopened accidental death case involving Robert Wagner and Christopher Walken. In a post World War II (1947) era, this movie solidified the image of a glorified 1940's and 1950's era that many reminesce about.

2. Bad Santa: The opposite of Edmund Gwenn's Santa, Billy Bob Thornton plays a dark and twisted robber who poses as a mall Santa to rob mall anchor stores. It's everything that is wrong with Christmas, but somehow still comes off as humorous. Also this movie features that last filmwork by actor John Ritter. At the end of the movie, the darkened heart of Billy Bob opens up as he risks everything to get the little boy a Christmas present. On a side note, this movie also features one of the best movie lines of all time, "Fuck me Santa! Fuck me Santa! Fuck me Santa," as said by actress Lauren Graham.

3. The Grinch: Speaking of dark hearts cracking open at the end, the Grinch is possibly the best character that Dr. Seuss ever created. Now the Jim Carey version lacked what the animated one did...heart. The animated one is about best Christmas movie to watch with your young ones, but not be bored by some message that will make you want to down a shot of Jack Daniels after they go to bed. The Grinch also has a twentieth century classic Christmas song, You're A Mean One Mr. Grinch.

4. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation: Chevy Chase's Clark Griswold is the everyday dad trying to create the perfect Christmas for his family. From a house massively decorated in lights and annoying his neighbors to a family dinner ruined by the police busting in after Clark kidnaps his boss over a laughable Christmas bonus, Clark feels the pain of a Christmas not going to plan.

5. It's A Wonderful Life: This one speaks well to the current climate of American society...the banker is the evil guy. Featuring an almost suicide by Jimmy Stewart's character until an angel intervenes, this movie actually flopped while it was shown at the theaters. Through television, it survived and became a staple of television stations for over a half a century. This movie also coined the phrase, "Everytime a bell rings, an angel gets his wings."

6. A Christmas Story: The best Christmas movie of the 1980's, this movie features a boy focused on trying to get a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas. He deals with a Santa that pushes him down a slide, licking a frozen pole, and a father that brings home the sexiest lamp ever. Peter Billingsley's glasses also became an iconic look for the nerdy boy.

7. Scrooged: Bill Murray plays a television exec who has lost his Christmas spirit. A spectacularly funny performance by Carol Kane as the Ghost Of Christmas Present is the perfect match to Billy Murray's Frank Cross. In their pairing, unexpectedly bust Bill's balls...literally.

8. Gremlins: Not very well known as a Christmas movie, Gizmo was possibly the cutest Christmas present a parent could present their son. Unfortunately the three important rules were broken and a small town's Christmas is overun by small, green looking monsters. Despite the troubles, eighties children grew up wanting to own their very own mogwai.

9. Home Alone: Mac's best performance of his career, he was chased by Goodfellas star Joe Pesci and Wonder Years voice Daniel Stern. Forgotten by his departing family on their Christmas vacation, Mac survives on his own and staves off the would be burgulars from robbing his home.

10. A Charlie Brown Christmas: More like a Christmas short movie, I still count this classic because of genuine warm feeling you get when you watch it,. Charlie Brown picks the worst Christmas tree in the lot, which at first couldn't even support one Christmas decoration, but with the help of his friends, has the classic tree any family should have. A b-story of Snoopy decorating his doghouse is also classic.

Honorable Mentions:
The Nightmare Before Christmas (I know many of you are reading this and saying what the hell?! Only honorable mention? Yes, I dislike Disney. Plus unlike some of the other Christmas specials/movies Disney has done in the past, this one is massively commercialized.)

Elf (James Caan is one of the best actors of all time and Will Ferrell is so new to the life experiences he comes across. Zooey Deschanel would also make a big step in this to mainstream her career.)

Die Hard ( Yes, you read that write. Almost making my list, this is probably the most action packed Christmas movie ever. It features a performance by Alan Rickman that is outstanding. He is one of the best villains in movie history.)