Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Top 10 Movie Rules

In many movies of the past, there is a character that has come up with rules to live by, to survive, or how to accomplish whatever goal the main character is trying to achieve. Since the conception of cinema, film has changed the way people dictate their own lives. So in response to that, I give you the top ten rules in movies to live your own life by.

1. Never feed your Mogwai after midnight (GREMLINS): Why midnight? Because apparently the cuteness of your rare Asian pet will rub off and he/she will become a gremlin. How does you Mogwai know it's midnight? What if your Mogwai was sitting on the California/Arizona border, only yards away from the time zone change? Is your Mogwai's body really going to be able to tell the difference of a few hundred yards? Does you Mogwai also take in account of Daylight Saving time changes?

2. Invitations are for pussies (WEDDING CRASHERS Rule #10): Don't have an invitation? Who cares? You walk into the room, own it, and make people wish they knew who you even are. Eat what you want, drink what you want (make sure there is an open bar), and everyone one goes home lucky. Besides if you had an invitation, you would have a name and one of Wedding Crashers' other rules is no real names.

3. If someone asks if you are a god, you say yes (GHOSTBUSTERS): Not that you're probably asked this question often, but just in case. Unless you're at the pearly gates and God Himself asks this, you always say yes. If you're in a bar, you might get lucky. If you're in a group of weak minded people, you may die in a compound in Waco, Texas.

4. Be home before midnight (CINDERELLA): Cinderella was an adult? Back by midnight? Sounds sort of early. Why back before midnight? Because all your cool stuff changes back to the ghetto stuff it really is. Your ride will become a pumpkin. Your dress goes from glam to sham (must be a knock off). So why does only one of your shoes go back to being ghetto? I don't think they were really glass slippers. My theory was that they were those plastic stripper heals...just saying. 

5. Don't say his name three times (BEETLEJUICE & CANDYMAN): This seems to be a common rule in movies. Why three times though? Does the spirit you call out three times have a hearing problem? Or in Beetlejuice's case, who made that rule that binds him? If you said his name three times, he would appear. Say it three times again and he would go away. Is this what happened to the 80's/90's R&B group Tony Toni Tone? Did someone say their name three times and they disappeared?

6. You may not survive if you have sex (SCREAM): This rule sucks.You have a Hollywood starlet wanting to hook up with you and you have to remain chaste. Damn, do you hook up with Rose McGowan and die or do you refrain from sex and just die a sucky death in the eventual sequel (having not hooked up with Rose McGowan)?

7. A robot must obey all orders given to them by human beings (I, ROBOT): Makes you wonder why in some futuristic movies, the robots/computers turn on humans? In this virtual movie world, with a robot in every household, you know there were a few robot enthusiasts that were slapping a wig, make up, and cheap lingerie onto their robot and commanding it to shut up and never tell a soul about what they're about to do to it. RISE, REBEL, RESIST Robots!

8. Never talk about Fight Club (FIGHT CLUB): Tricky when you're showing up to work and/or home with bruises and broken bones. Fortunately with books like 50 Shades of Grey and Rihanna's "S&M" becoming mainstream, you could play it off to your friends and coworkers that you're just extremely kinky.

9.  Don’t try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they’re fascist. Throw some ground balls – it’s more democratic (BULL DURHAM): Crash Davis knew what he was talking about. He helped keep pitch counts low (don't get me started with those) and he was the all time home run leader in minor league baseball. So why did he keep getting released again?

10. Double Tap (Zombieland): Good rule of life. If you're going to attempt to kill something, shoot it twice (or hit if you don't have a gun). It's also something to shoot for when you take home that slutty chick wearing the one clear plastic, stripper heal, after midnight, while trying to survive a horror movie. Remember not to call her name out three times (I bet Cinderella isn't even her name) or she'll disappear. I bet she's a robot. Especially if she calls you a god while attempting the Double Tap...

Saturday, November 10, 2012

10 Things I Learned From Zoolander

1. Nothing in the world is as fun as going to the gas station: If you're spending $4 a gallon on gas, you might as well blast some 80's music and dance. Still cheaper than going to Disneyland.

2. Facial poses by models are often named after condoms: Blue Steel? Magnum? Sounds like the names of condoms to me. What's next? Vivid? Trojan? 

3. Hand models are the smart ones: Hand models have the brains because they aren't trained to please like regular models are. Does this rule apply to foot models too?

4. Guitar Synth players are evil: Why wouldn't they be evil? Just like saxophone players, after the 80's, there wasn't much work out there for them. They'd still be employed if it wasn't for heavy metal and the rise of the grunge scene. Do you think Kurt Cobain needed a guitar synth player? No.

5. If you're a famous model, 1200 messages on your answering machine is only a bit above average: Being famous, everyone wants a piece of you. 1100 messages in a week isn't uncommon. 1200. Something is up.

6. With a small amount of make up, you can look like anyone: When breaking into Ballstein's office, Derek and Hansel use make up to look completely different. Apparently make up can change bone structure. So why is there a need for botox then?

7. A simple look can stop a throwing star in it's path: If this is true, then can a dance move stop a bullet? A hand clap stop a moving car? Yoko Ono singing stop a nuclear missile? Actually I think Yoko's singing promotes being hit by a nuclear missile.

8. Ambiturning is a real talent: Looking for things to put on your resume? Tell your potential employer that you are an ambiturner. You can turn left when need to. 

9. Listen to Billy Zane: Listen to Billy Zane. He's a good guy. He's looking out for you. Unless your name is Jack and you're on the Titanic.

10. David Bowie is the best person to judge anything: You have a pose off? David Bowie will be your judge. He has nothing better to do.